Posted by: soulshinemoments | May 25, 2013

Writing

Stuffed in damaged boxes and equally deteriorating totes, there are approximately twenty-eight paper, hand-written journals of mine upstairs that I have written since the  tender age of eight.  Along with that, I have an online diary I have kept (very basic and nothing near ‘WordPress Blogging’) that I have kept since the age of 18 (2002).  I am a perpetual ‘blogger’…even before blogging was a word.  The first journal I received when I was eight was from my grandmother.  It had a combination lock on it and everything.  I wrote about boys I had crushes on because that’s what I thought girls my age were supposed to write about.  Total, utter silliness…but at least I wrote.  Writing has helped me discover my voice and view my life with a different perspective.  I don’t really know why I write, but it creates a stillness in me and highlights my days in ways that plain ol’ living doesn’t do for me. Nevertheless, I am not sure why I created this blog.  Some of the other wordpress blogs I’ve been reading are owned by amazing writers with beautiful, flowing words and fascinating lives.  It both inspires me and intimidates me. 

In a week, we will be on the river at my step-mom’s house in North Florida.

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I am looking forward to this peaceful reverie. Jack is going to cook for all of us (we are thinking of deep frying a turkey and doing a Thanksgiving in June type of thing).  I also want to take Jack, Ariel, and Jackson tubing down the Ichnetucknee River.  I feel like we are going to have a really special summer this year.  I am deeply excited and trying not to feel guilty for getting lost in wordpress, ebay, and my books!  I am taking the meaning of laziness to a whole ‘nother level!
I am also looking forward to taking my little tablet and blogging about all my travels this summer.

For now, however, you’ll have to deal with an old entry from me as a melodramatic 18 year old….

September 13, 2002

It wasn’t so much the actual comment that stung me–it was more of the tone of his voice, his pitch, the volume that made me feel so small. As if I were a child–or maybe as if I wasn’t even human at all. The actual words were worthless and if said in a different way, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it all. But, he spit it out harshly and coldly and bittingly and I wanted to disappear.

It’s funny how one unguarded moment can unleash so many vivid memories.

I did what I’ve always done and retreated to my room. But, I didn’t fall apart because I am not thirteen years old anymore. I am  adult (I am woman…hear me roar? ha.) So now? I just become angry and hateful and bitter and coarse. I stumbled upon my old journals which are locked up in a brown cedar chest my grandmother gave me years & years ago. There they were, all eleven of them, in their various forms–some simple notebooks, some fancy & store-bought, and some designed by myself. And all in my messy handwriting & horribly misspelled words. I started reading the ones I wrote during seventh and eighth grade. Reading them tore me apart. Heavy memories fell on top of me and did all but suffocate me completely.

However, the good news is that I can see that I have and am actually healing. The fact that I’m able to write about this at all (though very vaguely) shows progress. I just want to be completely whole, completely free. (Such a long journey.)

I was already exhausted last night, but then I stayed up a few extra hours reading my own distant words which therefore resuled in my oversleeping this morning. My second time this week. I am unreliable; I’m sorry. Though I was 45 minutes late, I ran over to Trey’s anyway to see if maybe, possibly he would still be around waiting. No, no, no. Messy, messy, messy am I. Must get my act together. Soon. Now. Ergh.

I decided on going to the backery and getting a coffee and writing away. It was a grey morning with shots of sunlight and I was armed with my pen and angel journal and coffee and I truly did feel connected. Such a wonderful feeling and I’m thinking that maybe it’s the point of life…? You never know.

I’ve discoverd that my thoughts have become heavy and more intricate since I haven’t been in school. I think so anyway. I wonder if my brain is trying to overcompensate…or what. The things I think about while I’m wiping off the ugly black booths while at work are quite…strange. Ha. Sigh. I miss school; I don’t like thinking. (o, the irony.)

JP IM’ed me last night. She started asking me questions about the Air Force, and I guess caught on to the idea that I’m (again) getting a little nervous about the whole thing. She reminded me that I could just go to college with her next semister. I do somewhat want to waddle around in that sweet familiarity and stay in lovely Athens. I toy with the idea sometimes; I think that I could very well get some quaint little degree, and ultimately live my life in the only thing I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t say that that life-style would be hell or anything…just perhaps the road to pure insanity. Yes. I’ve got to go to my destiny. I really have to see the world and make somehting of this short life I have. Even if it means giving up all I know and the only small bit of stability I have acquired.

…Or I might runaway to France.(!)

Sidenote: I did not end up going into the Air Force, but actually ended up meeting my dad (who I hadn’t seen in 15 years at that point) and moving to Florida, but not before taking a 6 month mission trip to Spain and Morocco. Also, I did end up getting a ‘quaint little degree’ at the University of Florida in Sociology. Funny the way life works out…

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Responses

  1. […] I like this one I wrote awhile back: https://soulshinemoments.wordpress.com/2013/05/25/writing/ […]


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