Posted by: soulshinemoments | June 13, 2013

Purifying

Trying to get and keep my “OM”, but I struggle.

Ninety degrees. Humid as hell. Kids in my hair. Jack blowing glass until 5 in the morning downstairs and hardly getting to spend quality time with him. I miss being in school.  I feel guilt for not making money. I want to use my time off from school wisely, but this self-imposed expectation I give myself, fills me with anxiety.  Obviously, I need discipline with this whole stillness and meditation thing. 

Katy from my MSW program and I met at 10:00am this morning to do “HOT YOGA”.  It was both of our first time.  I had to drag myself out of bed to meet her.  I got in my ’97, non air conditioned car and drove in the sticky heat only to plop myself in a room with even stickier heat to do a bunch of bends and lunges and stretches….crazy! Sweat poured off of all of us, but it was purifying.  I felt as if I were dripping off my old skin and now I am able to step into a better, stronger new skin for myself. 

My step-daughter and I got into an argument some time after I got home this afternoon.  I worry about the way she blows through her money, wasting it on any whim that comes her way.  I’ve seen her do it so many times.  She, as most Americans, is very much into having the next coolest thing…and not having just one of the next coolest thing, but 10 of them.  As soon as she receives money, it is gone by the next time we go to the store (unless her dad makes her take some aside and put it in an account.  And, even that doesn’t go down without tears.) I worry the way she hungrily shops and yearns for item after item.  I know she is trying to fill a deeper void, but she doesn’t examine herself that deeply yet to even realize it.  So what do I do? I am not her biological mother.  And it is not usually even my money she is spending.  I wrestle often if I should step back and let her do as she pleases with her money (which is the route I generally take), or if I should call her out on it, which is the route I took today.  The route I took today was the more difficult one.  Being a step-mother is difficult. I am often in such a role confusion.  I am given so much responsibility with so little authority.

OMMMM…… 🙂 is all I can say to that, because it is not an easy situation and there is no solution.  I am just trying to do my best with as much compassion and wisdom as I can muster up…which may not be very much. Goodness.

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