Posted by: soulshinemoments | July 2, 2013

A Recent Letter I wrote

Dear E,

I’m thinking about when I was 14 years old and was a student at the private Christian school to from 7th-11th grade. One of the lessons we had was on what Satan, aka the devil, aka the Anti-Christ was like. We were never taught that the devil was as Hollywood has portrayed him–red, evil, horns, smoke coming out of his nostrils. We were taught that Satan was actually considered to be the Angel of Light–charming, beautiful, alluring. Many fall for his this deception which lead to their demise. While I realize some of the things I was taught during my sheltered Christin school experience were backwards and confusing, this lesson actually made sense, especially when applied to real life.

Not that I’m calling your ex-boyfriend the devil or anything…but f*!@# that Anti-Christ!

Just kidding…sort of.

So, hey! How are you doing? I hope well and I hope you receive your hearts desires! And, if you can’t tell, I’m really bummed that you ex was such a massive disappointment! I am proud of the way you sought answers, tried to pursue what you thought you wanted, and were brave enough to make yourself vulnerable. So, the ultimate question is, where are you going to meet your true love? Something tells me it’s not going to be on match.com! πŸ˜‰

I feel little dull right now. Jack is working with our neighbors for his first time out climbing and assembling cell phone towers. I have a whole list of worries and fears with him doing that, but I am trying not to let my mind jump to worst-case scenarios and just be grateful he is out there working and making money and providing for our family.

Tomorrow I am going to a “Team Meeting” with my soon-to-be fellow hospice care-takers. My friends in my co-hort aske me if I’m excited about starting my internship as a hospice social worker.

Honestly? No.

I’m kind of scared, not sure what I”m getting into, worried about driving my old, un-AC’ed Saturn, don’t want to keep losing money (for gas, for instance), and I’m ready to have a real job and make real money! Also, as much as I love school, I am worried about this upcoming school year. It is going to be a more intense school year, with more hours, and Jackson is way more active and we are poorer than we were this time last year. Agh!!!

My friend Erin told me, “You are where you are supposed to be!” Which helped a lot. I know everything will work out and I will both find and give fulfillment. So why do I worry anyhow?

Isn’t it weird how we make so many decisions based on our feelings when they are so fleeting and often times unreliable? I guess that is why meditation is so important. Instead of acting on your every whim, you just sit with yourself and observe your many emotions and let them pass like an ocean’s wave. I’m working on the meditation thing, but it is really fucking hard. I want to use my mind as a tool and not let it use me by giving me anxiety with its many whims and worries.

In your last letter to me, you posed some questions that I would like to answer.

One: Where do you see yourself in five years?

In five years, Jackson will be almost seven. I will be almost thirty-five. Ariel will be almost eighteen. And Jack will be so old that his balls will be down to his ankles! (HA!) I will be employed as a social worker/counselor/human service worker of some kind–perhaps hospice, perhaps not. I will be very skilled and versed in my yoga practice and meditation–so much so that I will be in the process of becoming a certified yoga teacher. My body will be toned, my mind will be centered, and I will constantly be in states of positive inspiration. I will be spending my pastimes painting, writing, blogging, making jewelry, blowing glass, traveling, having fun excursions with my family. We will be living in a beautifully natural and artistic city like Asheville, NC. Jack and I will be happily married and healthy and better communicators, better lovers, better parents, better artists than we are today. Jackson will be both balanced and well-versed in many subjects and interests including: art, sports, chess, and simply being a good person and friend to others. Ariel–I’m not sure if she will still be with us, living with her mother, or about to go out into the world on her own. Either way, she will be full of peace, goal-oriented, and well-adjusted. (Sorry this is kind of vague, but so much can and will happen in five years! I just want good kids and love between Jack and myself and stability and progression!)

Your second question, What is true love?

For me, true love is found with someone who is my polar opposite. Someone who challenges, motivates, inspires me, changes me, and lets me do likewise with him. Someone who’s seen me at my darkest and loves me anyhow. True love is love this is alive, breathing, both surprising and stable. True love is lived moment by moment…

Three, How do we know when we are happy?

I believe gratitude is synonymous with happiness. Whenever we can pause and count the positive things in our life, we have found happiness.

Four, Is happiness the goal of life?

Hell, no. The goal of life is to realize that there is no goal and that is an expectation society has imposed on us, especially in the West. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and our only purpose is to wake up and help others do the same. Alieve suffering. Stop fearing the future and getting stuck in the past. Life is happening right now!

Five, If you could guarantee one lesson would be learned by Jackson, what would it be?

Love others as yourself. (I don’t even have this one down yet, but it is important!)

All right, I’m going to go ahead and mail this letter. I would love if you answered these questions in return ASAP!

❀ Olivia

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