Painting My Anxiety Away

I’ve been spending the last hour or so painting.  I am nothing special at it, but it sure does help to alleviate anxiety and moodiness. I just lose myself in the colors and the strokes and the wildness of the canvas.  (Why don’t I do more of this?)

Today I felt as if I was pushing back mild panic attacks of anxiety. I, as previously mentioned, do not like doing NOTHING. I like to feel productive and as if I am going somewhere, doing something with my precious time.  I realize how ironic that is as I finish my Awakening the Buddha Within about monks who spend years of their lives in silent mediation.  I am so programmed, so conditioned to go, go, gooooo.  I guess I am just going to have to peacefully let that mentality goooooo (as best as I can anyway).  Oh, Long Summer Days. Maybe I will miss you one day….Maybe.

Yesterday we went to see fireworks in downtown Atlanta at Centennial Olympic Park.  It was short and sweet because of the rain that had been occurring all day.  Jackson, much like is father, was in awe–smiling, clapping, wide-eyed. Jack prefers to shoot off his own, but finances didn’t allow for it this year.   (And I won’t go into the story right now of what happened on New Years when Jack nearly accidently blew up our cat Grayson! He is okay, don’t worry.)

Jack seems to kind of be in a summer funk as well when it comes to blowing glass.  He works from home which is great in some ways, but has different difficulties as well.  He doesn’t get much peace to work with two children, two animals, and me erratically up in his grill.  And at the moment, he is stuck doing production work and I know he’d prefer to do something more artistic and push himself. Plus, we are struggling financially.  I am trying to remind myself that this, too, will pass.  One day I will be gainfully employed and we won’t have to be so tight, so fearful.  I also feel a tinge of guilt and wish I could just say, Go take a class. Go travel. I have the bills and the kids for awhile.

I think he might really need that. But then again, so do I. I suppose that is the fun of being an adult….

I did get a glassblowing lesson two nights this week.  I learned how to encase opals with glass. It was challenging and I enjoyed it.  It was much like painting where I was able to completely focus on the melting glass and not on my thoughts.  I am way more critical and uptight about what I am creating when I blow glass though than when I paint.  Also, my last “lesson” was after I took an extremely challenging hot yoga class, so I was definitely in the right mindset.  The yoga class I took required every bit of my strength, mind, heart, soul. It was awesome. I had to push back tears during parts of it, quite honestly.  I love that feeling. It is one of the ultimate highs in life. (I am obsessed.)

Now I am going to finish my book and try to be up for a 9:30 AM yoga class.

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; too leave the world a bit better, wheather by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson