Posted by: soulshinemoments | October 30, 2013

It’s Still Worth It

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I woke up with plenty of time to make it to a Yin Yoga class.  The problem is that my yoga studio is 20 minutes away from my house (when there is no traffic).  Unfortunately, Atlanta traffic is a nightmare and hard to avoid.  As I was driving down the highway today, I was in bumper-to-bumper traffic.  I realized as I was half-way to the studio, that I would never make it in time.  I wasn’t going to stress about it or beat myself up about it, though.  So, I pulled off to the side of the road, found a starbucks, and that is where I am now.  I hate to miss my yoga practice, but there are just some things (most things?) that I cannot let myself stress about.  There is a yoga studio closer to my house that I think I will try out for the month of November.  I have heard that the closer studio is kind of snooty and looks at yoga in terms of the asanas only, but I want to determine that for myself. 

At the moment, I am trying to get myself motivated to write two huge papers (one on yoga, meditation, and addiction for my Addiction Theory class which ought to be interesting). The other paper that is due is intimadating the hell out of me.  My friend and classmate is on page 21 of her paper and not finished yet (although she is the biggest overachiever in our class, I feel).  Still, what the hell?!

Yesterday, I was fifteen minutes late to class.  Since it was Ariel’s birthday yesterday, I wanted to get her a card for her birthday.  I already bought her a pink zebra cake for her actual birthday, but I still needed to get a card for her.  I lost track of time reading all of the cards.  I actually ended up finding one that said “Happy Birthday to my Step-Daughter” which made me happy.  I felt really excited when I stumbled upon that card.  It said something like, “Though I didn’t give birth to you, my heart still has dreams and goals for you and I am grateful you are apart of my life.” I don’t know why, but it made me tear up just a little reading it.  Then I picked up a couple little trinket things so she didn’t just have a card to open.  During class, I wrote all over her card, trying to personalize it.  I found some Little Mermaid Ariel stickers and put them in the card (as a joke) and wrote a really long note to her.  I told her how I remember seeing her with her long blonde hair and pretty blue eyes when she was a little 5 year old at bead shows and how proud I was of the teenager she is becoming. Yep, I got pretty sentimental.  I told her that I felt lucky that I got to watch her grow up and that I couldn’t wait to see all the cool things she was going to do in her life.

So, last night after school, I met Jack, Jackson, and Ariel at the restaurant for her dinner.  After we ate, Ariel opened her gift.  Her first comment was laughing at the difference between my card and her dad’s card to her.  Jack just wrote “Ariel” on the front of her card and signed his name.  Then mine had “Happy 13th Birthday, Ariel!” on the front of the card with decorations and fancy font.  We laughed at that for a minute.  She quickly read both of our cards. Said that she wished I had gotten her a charger instead of  the headphones.  Then talked about how her mom (whom she hasn’t seen in a year and a half now) is supposedly coming down for Ariel’s Thanksgiving break.  Then her mom proceeded to call a little later while we were at dinner (I think they had been texting back and forth throughout dinner) and Jack told Ariel to take the call outside.

I wasn’t upset about this or anything.  I am pretty used to it, actually. However,Jack and I scrambled and pinched pennies to throw her the party at the bowling alley on Saturday.  Ariel’s mom doesn’t send us any child support.  Yet, at the slightest hint that Ariel’s mom may come down in November (which she still hasn’t confirmed with Jack yet), Ariel is all over that!  I understand that it is natural.  Everybody wants the unavailable parent compared to the stable one that picks you up when you fall, does your laundry, makes sure you have a roof over your head, the lights on in the house, makes sure that you get your homework done.  Still, though. Doesn’t seem fair.  The unavailable  parent essentially gets rewarding for dropping her responsibility and going to live for herself? Ok, cool.

My friends constantly encourage me, “One day Ariel will see what you’ve done for her.”  That’s nice and all, but I don’t really think that’s what I am looking for.  Plus, Jack does a billion times more than what I ‘do for Ariel’.  I just kind of back up and support him where he needs it.  Really what I want is for things to be easier RIGHT NOW.  I want that gap Ariel has in her heart of missing her mom (including putting her on a pedestal) to lessen.  I want our financial woes to lessen.  I want to not have to worry about how we are going to pay the mortgage this month. I want to not cringe every time Ariel says she “needs” gymnasitc lessons, new clothes, field trip money for school, money to go to the movies, a trip to the doctor.  I want that to be no big deal to me! That seems way more pressing for me than to hear Ariel say to me in fifteen years, “Hey, thanks for supporting me and coming to all of my school events as a kid and making sure you got pictures of me with my friends at my birthday party and that we had a cake.” (or whatever)

But, I know that once I graduate school and get a job, things will be easier.  I am keeping that in mind as best as I can.  Grad school is putting all of us in debt.  I am not alone in this.  It will get easier.  I am working on trusting the process. 

“It’s still worth it.”

I found this picture (below) on pinterest and it really moved me.  I am not just pursuing this grad school thing in hopes of a job in the future, but also because I really feel it is my calling in life. And that is some pretty powerful shit. 🙂

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Responses

  1. This is beautiful. I will definitely be sharing that photo at the bottom with a friend of mine who is studying Psychology and Social Work, here in Canada. She’s currently in her

  2. Oops! She is currently in her third year of a five year program and certainly dealing with the stresses, frustrations and debt that come along with it. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thanks for reading 🙂 I am excited you found my blog. I was looking through yours last night and the things you wrote really interested me. Cant wait to read about your 30 day yoga challenge! I look forward to the day I will have to time and the money to do the same. Peace and Blessings 🙂


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