Posted by: soulshinemoments | December 6, 2013

Where Did My Zen Go?

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I knew it was going to be “one of those days” when I realized my car was stuck in the mud this morning.

I can’t seem to shake the muddy stickiness from my day, much less my car tire.

I aim to stay on track with my goals, but at the end of rainy, depressing days like today, all I wanted to do was eat a chocolate cupcake and watch trash TV.

I was off my internship yesterday, unexpectedly. I spent the entire day chasing around a toddler and trying to write my last paper of the semester. I did well with my walking and meditating, but by the end of the night, I still felt worn thin.

Today, Jack was parked in such a way that I tried to drive around him and on the grass (instead of being smart and patient and just waiting for him to move his truck). My impatience caused me to get stuck in the mud! I had to tell my supervisor that I would be an hour late as Jack towed me out from the mud. I mean, seriously? Jack was so nice about having to get down in the mud and hooking up the chains to tow my car. Bless his heart.

I stayed calm through the whole ordeal, but on my 40 minute drive to my internship, I started feeling incredibly anxious. I took a lot of deep breaths, but the anxiety still felt high and tight in my chest area. Why? Because the semester is coming to a close and I am tying up my loose ends, sure. But also, my grad school career is coming to a close as well; May is when I graduate. And? I have a lot of questions about my future. Is hospice social work what I want to do? Am I an adequate enough hospice social worker? Is there another social worker position I should be looking for? I know I am supposed to be taking life day by day, but it is difficult for me to not question the future. Also, I just feel weird at my internship shadowing my supervisor all the time and feeling like a lost puppy dog. It really is an uncomfortable role.

Today I was able to visit three patients by myself which I really enjoyed. One of the patients lied in a fetal position, breathing heavy. She looked as if she was distressed and about to cry. She lied in the fetal position and help a baby doll tight in her arms. She was non-verbal, but I sat with her awhile and just stroked her hair.

Another patient I saw was much more upbeat than the last time I saw her. In fact, she was so chipper and talkative, that I had trouble breaking away from her. She is an 81 year old woman. She seemed so excited to have me sit with her, but was missing her teeth so i could barely understand anything she said to me. She has Alzheimer’s as well. I appreciated that she enjoyed having me sit with her but I wish I could have better understood her stories. I must have stayed with her 45 minutes.

Finally, when I was about to leave for the day, my supervisor pulled me aside so we could go over my student evaluation for school. She started it off with a: “What do you think are areas you need to work on?”

UGHHH. Please don’t ask me that question. You tell ME! I really don’t even know how I answered her because I really didnt feel like I was making sense. Basically I said that that was kind of hard for me to say because i didn’t have much autonomy or my own patients yet, but I know I need help with working on legals and making phone calls with family members.

I know I am supposed to trust the process of this program, but sometimes that it just so hard and I feel out-of-place.

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Responses

  1. Proponents of mindfulness encourage thinking, writing, and speaking our questions. Somehow the subconscious starts to unravel all the pieces. So…..you have a really good start! I’m really enjoying Writing Down Your Soul as a guideline for this practice.


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