Posted by: soulshinemoments | November 29, 2015

“Your grief will either consume you or set you free. It wont feel this way right now because you’re in it. But you will come through, you will heal, you will grow, and you will be grateful.” -Seane Corn

I had to take last Monday off due to getting strep throat last week, but I ended up having a really great, restorative day.  The Miracle Morning and other “self-help” type books I’m reading have impressed the need for me to have a real clear vision for myself and my/our future.  My imagination is a little fuzzy, as previously mentioned, but I am striving to have big dreams for me/us.  One of the ways I’ve done this is to create a “vision board”. 

Life Changer. Just Go! Live well. Globetrotter. Be your true self. Pure love. Careers that Heal. Welcome to our home.  Wildly good. Stay well. Find Balance! From the heart. Open up to new stories. Richer experiences. Reach beyond. Happy. Calm. Connect. Happy inside! In focus.  Heart in the clouds, feet on the ground.

These were some of the phrases that I cut out that really spoke to me. They are pretty general, but still sooth the soul somehow.

I’ve done pretty well with waking up early and completing my “Miracle Morning SAVERS” this week with a little imperfection due to the Thanksgiving Holiday. It’s such a peaceful hour or two for me.  I wake up looking forward to my mornings.  Tomorrow I’m going to the gym to do my meditation and affirmations in the sauna and hit the treadmill.

Tuesday of this week, I met with a genetic counselor to test for Lynch syndrome.  She went over my family history and took my blood.  Due to the fact that I’ve already had precancerous polyps (when I was 22 and again in November) she said that she will be really surprised if I don’t have Lynch Syndrome….which I kind of figured.  If the blood tests come back positive, I have to have a yearly colonoscopy, yearly neurological test (because lynch also increases chances for brain cancer) and yearly check for uterine cancer and may want to consider a hyserectomy at some point. Just lovely.  The good news is that my health insurance will cover all my yearly screenings.

Bonnie (technically she is my “ex-step-mom”, I guess) and her new boyfriend spent Thanksgiving Holiday with us.  It was such a special time having her here with us.  Jack cooked a huge meal for all of us and we just had a really joyous holiday.  Bonnie and I got into some pretty intense conversations.  I didn’t meet my dad until I was 18 and she had my dad married when I was about 20.  I’ve always looked up to Bonnie as a young adult. She is an amazing lady.  Kind hearted, generous, funny, brilliant, and a RN.  She also was with my dad when he took his very last breath not to mention with him throughout the horrific cancer battle.

She said my dad told her when they first got together when he was 37 years old that the doctors told him he had 25 years to live and that it would probably ultimately be pancreatic cancer that gets him. They were off by 15 years and his cancer was everywhere–bile ducts, kidney, liver, peritoneal cavity. Just awful.  I wish so much that my dad was still here and could still be with Bonnie and watch Jackson grow up.  Bonnie said Jackson–especially his eyes–look just like my dad.  Which is true.

Saturday, Bonnie and I went to get our nails done. We had more intense conversations.  She said they had to put my dad in a “palliative coma”…which I didn’t really know.  She said my dad was so smart, a problem solver, a solution finder, so brave….and it was also so hard for him to accept his death because he was normally so amazing at finding solutions to everything.  Before he was put in a coma, he was still looking at her tablet for cure for cancer at cancer center of America.

I suddenly had to have her fill me in on all these details about his death and life again.  I need it for my own health issues that may come to bite me in the future. I need it so I can tell Jackson about his grandfather. 

Besides the difficult conversations, we had a really fun time getting our nails done.  I am glad we can still be close even though she isn’t my biological mom and now, not even my step-mom anymore.  I bet my dad was looking down on us, smiling.


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